melancholic

It's been one of those days of indescribable feeling, one of those weeks of indescribable feeling, one of those years of epic proportions and dynamic change, at least in the context of my small, humble life.

I bounce so quickly from tears to elation, from love to disillusionment, from seeming absolute certainty to square one.

I know it's trite, but I'm 18 years old, and I'm tempted to think I know everything. Obviously, not academically, but on some rational, philosophical level, I know that my subconscious is completely convinced that I am as keenly perceptive and rationally astute as they come. But my inner voice of reason tells me not to be so naive.

And I give up too easily.

And I probably give in too easily.

And isn't refusing to settle for less designed to make you a happier person? I feel like I demand exactly what I want, and reject anything less, and for that, I should gain satisfaction, right?

I'm meeting some amazing people these days, and I'm so grateful for that. But I miss friends from years past I'm away from.

Today I was asked what I want for my life: what I want to do, where I want to live, etc. And it seemed so foreign to me, and I realized I hadn't thought about that in so long. It makes me wonder how relevant those questions are, when life seems to be so haphazard and unpredictable.

I feel so entrenched in this life I've made for myself here, and when I go home tomorrow, I can't decide if I'll feel a new sanity, or if I'll realize I'm far removed from who I imagined I'd be.

Why is dysfunction so attractive?

I miss the childlike feeling of absolute safety. I, like everyone, fear uncertainty. I'm tired of trying to make rational what is inherently irrational. I'm tired of artificially manufacturing order out of chaos. I'm tired of being a prisoner to ideals. I'm tired of being in love with phantoms. I'm tired of feeling nostalgia for earlier times.

I don't hold any illusions, or any idyllic fantasies about what life should be, but I'm somewhere between realization and desensitization, and it's a most painful limbo.

Someone needs to shake me, and make everyone and everything else in this world irrelevant, even though I know I can't wait for it.

regress / progress